Liquid & Ash Page 5

  “You’re a beautiful woman, Penelope. I’m just curious what kind of man would let you slip from his grasp.”

  He didn’t talk like someone in his twenties.

  “How old are you?” I asked, my eyes narrowing, as I tried to figure him out.

  “I’m twenty-six. How old are you?”

  “Thirty.”

  His eyebrows rose as his gaze swept down my body. Knowing he was younger helped me feel less intimidated.

  “You don’t look like you’re thirty.”

  “You don’t act like you’re twenty-six.”

  Destiny cleared her throat as she stubbed out the joint in an ashtray, and I broke my gaze from Brandon’s.

  Now what?

  “You want a drink?” Brandon asked as he stood up. He took his plate to the kitchen.

  I glanced at the clock on his wall. It was one a.m.

  I could have one more drink. I didn’t want him to think he’d scared me off.

  “Sure.”

  He poured some Grey Goose into two glasses he’d filled with ice and handed me one. I noticed he hadn’t made one for himself. Destiny took the other and drank it all in one swig. She stood up and began seductively moving her hips to the music, her red skirt inching higher on her legs.

  Brandon sat down on the couch beside me and leaned back as we watched her dance. I crossed my legs and took a sip from my glass. Leaning closer to me, Brandon put his big tattooed hand on my thigh. I looked at the word LOVE as the heat from his touch seeped through my jeans.

  “Destiny’s an excellent dancer, isn’t she? She does it professionally.”

  I glanced at his face before looking back at Destiny. She seemed lost in her own world as her hands slid into her hair, lifting it off her neck. She was beautiful.

  Brandon’s hand inched a little further, and his fingers curled into the crease between my legs, gripping my inner thigh. My heart pounded, sending hot blood through my veins, as all my nerves focused on that one touch. I should have pushed him off, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to see how far he’d go, how far I’d let him go. His eyes were on Destiny as she turned to face him, and she smiled.

  “Come here, baby,” he said to her.

  She came over and stood in front of him before leaning down and resting her hands on his knees. Her cleavage was in plain view, and even I found it arousing. I’d never been attracted to women, but Destiny exuded sexual energy. She was a seductress.

  Sitting up, Brandon kept his hand on my thigh as he took her mouth with his own. I watched as they kissed, his tongue sliding between her lips, teasing and tasting. My legs squeezed tighter together as my body reacted to the sight, and Brandon responded by digging his fingers deeper into my flesh.

  It was the most scandalous situation I’d ever been in.

  Am I really doing this? Am I going to cheat on Derek in a threesome with two complete strangers?

  I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care about right and wrong. I wanted retribution. I deserved to throw all my morals aside and live in lust.

  I deserve a moment of selfishness, too. Don’t I?

  Destiny put a knee on the couch between us and straddled Brandon’s lap, her skirt riding up around her hips and exposing her black panties. His touch left me and moved to her hip as their kiss grew more passionate. I instantly felt rejected, but I didn’t move. His hand slid up her arm and into her hair, gripping it tightly, and I listened to Destiny moan as she circled her hips on top of his.

  My thoughts went to Derek and her. I wondered if it was like this when he’d cheated on me, if he’d been so caught up in the lust that he’d forgotten love, if she’d moaned when they kissed, if he’d slid his hands into her hair the way Brandon’s were in Destiny’s.

  Brandon’s hand came back to my leg, and I blinked releasing streams of tears down my cheeks. I couldn’t do it.

  Standing up, I made sure my phone was still in my pocket before swallowing the rest of the vodka in my glass. I placed it down on the table and walked out of the apartment without a second glance in their direction.

  Closing the door behind me, I leaned against it to catch my breath. I stared at the ceiling, releasing more tears, as the realization hit me. I had felt that same thrill Derek had spoken about, and it was still coursing through my body. It was an excitement and passion we’d lost a long time ago, and he’d gone and found it with someone else.

  Smoke drifted from the end of my cigarette, leaving nothing but ash, as I sat on the living room floor with my legs crossed and my back against the couch. I couldn’t sleep. After I took another drag, a cloud hovered in the air around me. I didn’t even like cigarettes.

  The house was quiet and dark, except for the single strip of light lying at my feet, coming from a streetlamp outside. I stared at the glass of vodka on the floor. No matter how much I drank, it couldn’t extinguish the flame of hope. It was my hope that hurt me the most. It was slowly killing me, burning me from the inside out. I’d sold my soul for it. I’d done exactly what I’d sworn I’d never do.

  Reaching down, I flicked my remains into the vodka and watched as they descended to the bottom.

  All my dreams, my life, my love had been reduced to liquid and ash.

  It was my twenty-first birthday, and Derek and I were out at a bar with a group of his friends.

  I’d often just sit and watch him when we went out together. He was always the center of attention with his strong demeanor and charisma. He thrived in the spotlight, soaking it up like vitamin D.

  His eyes connected with another woman’s. They looked at each other, neither one moving or speaking, and my heart sank as I noticed the recognition in their eyes. My gut told me they intimately knew each other, but my mind told me to stay strong and be confident. Derek wouldn’t want to be with a jealous, insecure girl.

  My fingers tingled against my glass of beer as my heart beat so fast that it felt like my skin was vibrating. It was like I was behind a wall, seeing it all while remaining invisible.

  Derek’s lips parted, like he wanted to say something. In his eyes, I saw the pain¸ the shame…the guilt. She inhaled deeply, and a tear fell down her cheek before she stormed out. Derek’s eyes came directly to mine, as if he knew I was watching. Then, he gave me a bright smile, like nothing had even happened.

  Later that night, we were lying in bed, and I knew he was drifting off to sleep. He was too drunk to stay awake much longer.

  “Who was that?” I asked as I turned my head to look at him.

  The room was dark, but I still wanted to see.

  “Who?” he mumbled, wrapping his strong arm around my waist and pulling me closer.

  “That woman. At the bar.”

  His body stiffened next to me for a second.

  “My ex-girlfriend.”

  I pulled away from him.

  “What?”

  “Relax, baby. I said ex.”

  I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it than that. “Why did you look at her like you’d broken her heart?”

  He nuzzled into my neck, making me smile.

  “I just didn’t want to be with her anymore, so I ended things.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I found someone I wanted more, someone I was in love with. You,” he whispered against my neck.

  I could feel his erection pressed against my hip, and I couldn’t fight the reaction it gave me. Part of me felt bad for her, but the other part felt like the luckiest woman in the world because he had chosen me. He could have had her, but he wanted me instead.

  That was the night I learned that our relationship grew out of the cracks of another woman’s broken heart. It was also the moment I’d chosen to ignore the warnings it set off in mine.

  I sat on the floor for hours, watching the sky turn from black to blue. I couldn’t get Brandon and Destiny out of my mind. I wished I’d been brave enough to stay. I wanted to be reckless and hurtful, which was why I hadn’t changed out of my clothes. Derek was due home any m
inute now, and I wanted him to see me like this. I needed to give him a small bitter taste of what he’d fed me.

  I could hear the faint rumble of his motorcycle as it turned onto our street. My heart beat harder as the sound grew louder. That sound would forever be embedded into my memory. I didn’t think I’d ever hear another motorcycle without thinking of Derek and feeling the weight of what we’d lost.

  I stared out the window, the smudges on the glass distracting me from the view, as I took a pull from my last cigarette. Dropping it into the glass of vodka beside me on the floor, I listened and waited as Derek opened the front door.

  “Are you smoking cigarettes now?” he asked as his boots thumped against the hardwood floor.

  Each step brought him closer until he stopped at the end of the couch. We were silent for a moment, but I could feel him watching me.

  “Do you remember the first day we met?” I asked, ignoring his question.

  I kept my eyes on the window.

  “Yeah, of course I do. Why are you dressed like that?”

  “Do you think…” I paused to close my eyes. “Do you think that’s why we’re so messed up? Because our relationship was based on a lie? Because it grew from someone else’s pain?”

  “Where were you? Where did you go?”

  He wasn’t listening to me. He was too distracted by his own accusations.

  Turning my head, I lifted my chin to look at him. Derek was standing there, in his uniform, with his helmet still in his hand, disgust lingering on his face.

  “I threw away everything for you, Derek—my life, my family, my career. I chose you over everything.”

  “Answer me, Penelope. Where the fuck did you go last night?” he growled as he tossed his helmet down on the couch behind me.

  Picking up my glass of vodka and ashes, I stood up and met his heated gaze with my own. His eyes broke from mine and took in my outfit.

  “Why? Are you worried I cheated on you? Are you afraid I betrayed you, Derek? Is that it?”

  Derek took a step closer. His hazel eyes were enraged as they stared into mine. “Don’t toy with me, Penelope. Where did you go?”

  A sarcastic laugh erupted from my mouth. “Ha! Me? Toy with you? You’ve been playing me since the moment you saw me! You never loved me. You never gave a shit about me!” I threw my glass down and watched as it smashed into little pieces, oozing my life onto the floor.

  “Goddamn it!” he shouted, startling me. His strong hands wrapped around my arms, and he shook me until I looked up at him. “What the fuck has gotten into you? Huh? You’re acting crazy!”

  I tried pulling my arms free, but Derek just moved in closer until his body was flush with mine. His heat was seeping in, and my cold heart craved it.

  His eyes softened. “I’ll always love you, Penny, no matter how much you hate me. That’ll never change.”

  I closed my eyes and turned away from him. His gentle words were like crumbs for my ravenous insecurity. He leaned closer, his breath brushing my skin, before he kissed my cheek. I clenched my jaw, fighting the urge to cry or puke or kiss him back. I wasn’t sure which.

  “I know you’re still in there, Penny. I know you still love me, too.” He let go of my arms and wrapped his around me. “I miss you, baby. I miss us,” he whispered against my ear.

  An image of Brandon and Destiny, his tattooed fingers wrapped in her hair, flashed in front of my eyes.

  “Who is she?”

  Derek held me close, my cheek pressing against his heart.

  “Shh. It doesn’t matter,” he murmured. “I don’t care about anyone but you, baby. You’re my everything. I need you.”

  I could feel the desperation in his hands as they gripped my back, his fear washing over me with each breath.

  “Please, Penelope,” he pleaded as my hands clung on to his shirt.

  I pulled back and looked into his eyes, wondering if he’d ever looked at her the way he looked at me, if he’d made her feel important, wanted. I pushed him away and took a step back.

  “Who is she, Derek? Do you still talk to her? Are you still…”

  Derek shook his head and rubbed his hand over his short hair. “No! God. I don’t speak to her anymore. She knows I love you, Penelope. She means nothing to me.”

  “Then, who is she? Why won’t you tell me?”

  “Because it doesn’t matter. It’ll only cause more problems and drama that we don’t need. We have enough as it is.”

  He was protecting her. I felt sick. My world was spinning, and no matter how much I drank or how high I got, I couldn’t make it stop.

  “Where did you go tonight?” he asked as I sat down on the edge of the couch.

  I didn’t care how many times he asked; I wouldn’t tell him. As long as he kept his secret, I was going to keep mine, too.

  “Nowhere.”

  I spent the rest of the day in bed while Derek worked on things outside, avoiding me, the one thing he couldn’t fix. I hardly recognized myself anymore. I’d been lost somewhere along the way, and I hated this new woman I’d become. Derek’s betrayal paled in comparison to what I’d done to myself, and as much as I’d told myself not to, I still wanted him to love me.

  Turning onto my side, I stared at our bedroom wall, and tears leaked onto my pillow. My phone chimed with a new text. Reaching over, I grabbed it off my nightstand and checked it. It was a text from Tiffany.

  We’re having lunch tomorrow, so you can tell me everything!

  Brandon told me to give you his number. 910-467-9845

  I paused with my finger over my phone, contemplating if I should keep it. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to face Brandon after the way I’d walked out of his apartment. He probably thought I was crazy. I definitely didn’t want to tell Tiffany what I’d done.

  Tapping my finger on the screen, I saved his number under the name B before texting a reply to her.

  Nothing happened.

  Thanks for the number.

  I knew Tiffany wouldn’t give up that easily, but I didn’t have the energy to argue with her.

  Bullshit.

  I’ll see you tomorrow.

  Sighing, I put my phone back down and stared at the ceiling fan above me. Maybe it was time I gave this friendship a chance. It was one of the few escapes I had from this hell I was living.

  Monday morning, I decided to skip my Xanax. It was my first step in taking control. I’d spent enough time feeling sorry for myself, and I needed to come to grips with my reality. At least, that was what I told myself as I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, but when Tiffany sent me a text at eleven, I decided that smoking a joint wouldn’t be so bad.

  I’ll be less bitchy if I’m high.

  The truth was, I felt too vulnerable when I was sober, but over the years, I’d become quite good at manipulating myself.

  I was almost out of weed already. I’d need to call Brandon soon.

  I sat at my dining room table and lit my first joint of the day just as there was a knock at the door. I knew it was Tiffany.

  “Come in!”

  She walked in with a spark of inquisitiveness in her eyes.

  “Perfect timing,” she said as she came and sat next to me.

  I handed her the joint and stared at her pink nail polish as she took a hit. My high was making each of her movements seem delicate and significant. She coughed, snapping me out of my daze.

  “Shit. Can I get something to drink?” She groaned as her eyes began to water.

  “Yeah, go ahead.”

  She passed the joint back to me and went into my kitchen.

  “So? What happened last night? And don’t tell me nothing,” she said as she came back to sit down.

  I blew out smoke. “We just went back to his apartment and smoked a joint. Then, I left.”

  Tiffany narrowed her eyes and studied my face. “That’s it?”

  I nodded before handing her the joint again.

  “Who was that woman with him?” she asked before
squinting and taking another hit.

  “I don’t know. Her name’s Destiny. I think they’re together or something.”

  She shook her head as she blew out her hit. “No, he doesn’t date. At least, that’s what he told me.”

  My curiosity was piqued, but I tried to hide it.

  “I’m not gonna lie. I was super jealous. I’ve been dying to see where he lives. I’ve only ever been to his work. What was his apartment like?”

  I took the last hit of the joint before putting it out on the table.

  Tiffany watched me and shook her head. “Poor table.”

  “It’s a piece of shit.”

  Her eyes lifted to mine. “What? His apartment or the table?”

  “The table,” I muttered before taking a sip from my water.

  I’d bought that table and refinished it, attempting to find something productive to do with myself. Now, it only reminded me of wasted time.

  “The neighborhood was kind of shitty, but his apartment was nice inside. Very clean and modern.”

  Her eyes lit up. “Really? Does he live alone?”

  “I don’t know. I think so.”

  “Hmm.” She paused and pursed her lips. “Tell me everything that happened. You walked to his apartment and then what? You smoked a joint?”

  I laughed. “Why do you care so much? You have a serious crush on this dude, don’t you?”

  She cracked a smile, and I knew I was right. I didn’t want her to have a crush on him. Tiffany was the type of woman who would take what she wanted, and I was envious because I wasn’t.

  I wanted to change the subject, but mostly, I wanted to remind her that she was married. “What happened with Brian? Was he pissed?”

  “Oh, he’ll get over it. Don’t change the subject.”

  Sighing, I leaned back in my chair. “Brandon gave me a drink. He asked me how old I was. He figured out that we hadn’t known each other as long as you’d said we had.”