Liquid & Ash Read online

  He hadn’t worn a condom with me since that night in my apartment. He’d assured me that he was clean. He’d even shown me the paperwork from his latest checkup, but I would have trusted him anyway. He knew it was hard for me to have children, but I’d been taking birth control, just to be sure.

  “Scoot down,” he said, motioning for me to slide further onto the couch.

  I moved my butt to the center cushion and slowly lay back as he crawled on top of me. Brandon held my gaze while he got between my legs that instantly went around him. I smiled as I wiped some moisture from his mustache with my fingers.

  “Hey. I was saving that for later,” he said teasingly. He licked his upper lip.

  I giggled, and he watched me, his crystal-blue eyes taking it all in.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

  I tried to fight my smile, my teeth clamping down on my bottom lip, as heat invaded my cheeks. Tilting his head down, he gently licked my top one before sucking it into his warm mouth. I automatically opened my mouth to him, always eager for more. He hovered above me, and sensing my urgency rising, he pulled back just enough to make me wait. It was frustrating and so fucking sexy. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and dug my nails into his skin, trying to make him pay, but his mouth curled into a crooked grin.

  I licked my lips, hoping to entice him, but instead of kissing them, he started to rotate his hips, his erection sliding between my legs and against my clit. I sucked in a breath.

  We were still staring at each other when he slowly pressed himself inside me. My eyelids fluttered, but I kept them open, afraid of missing his reaction. Brandon’s eyes turned liquid, his pupils dilating, as his jaw clenched, and he groaned in the back of his throat. My entire body zeroed in on our connection, all of my senses focusing on him, on us.

  This was different. It wasn’t rough; it wasn’t casual. It was love.

  Brandon finally leaned down and kissed me, and I gave him everything I had. I didn’t care if I would be left empty.

  It was Saturday night, and Brandon had been gone for five days. I hadn’t heard anything from him since he’d arrived in Scotland and sent me a simple text.

  I made it.

  I’d responded with a sweet message, something about having a good time and not missing me too much.

  He never wrote back.

  After the first day, I’d begun to worry about him, but I’d checked his Instagram account, and I’d seen that he was still posting pictures. One included him with a group of models, his arm draped over the shoulders of a beautiful brunette. My heart had dropped but had been quickly revived when I had seen the picture he’d taken of us at my apartment. He’d included a caption.

  MY LUCKY PENNY

  “Let me remind you how lucky you are.”

  I could hear his voice from that morning replay in my mind as I’d stared at the word my. Something had shifted inside me. I’d thought it was my heart expanding.

  I’m his.

  I’d set my phone down with a cheesy grin and renewed hope.

  By day three, I had been fed up with myself. I’d organized my stuff. I’d made a list of everything I had to do before I left for Ghana, and I’d scheduled doctor’s appointments for all of the required immunizations I still needed.

  I had been determined not to obsess over Brandon and just live in the moment. That was what he’d always told me to do anyway. I knew he cared about me. I didn’t need a phone call to remind me of that.

  I’d sent him a message on Facebook, telling him I missed him, thinking his phone might not have service where he was shooting.

  But now…now, I was angry. Five days, and not a single message, not even a text.

  I’d been stalking his social media and wondered how he’d found time to actively keep in touch with everyone but me. He’d even posted a picture of him kissing another woman. I had known it was a professional photo from the shoot, but that knowledge had done nothing to ease the sting.

  I wasn’t only mad at him, but I was also furious with myself. There I was, waiting again. I had been pushing my life aside for a man…again. Part of me had still been hoping that he’d ask me to come back to him after my internship.

  I was pitiful.

  At Induce, I angrily collected empty glasses onto my tray as I pictured Brandon off partying with beautiful models in Scotland.

  He probably hasn’t even thought of me once today.

  I dunked the dirty glasses into the sink full of water.

  “Whoa. What’s with you?” Elise asked.

  “Nothing,” I muttered, straightening my back, trying to mask my fears.

  She glanced over at Nicole with wide eyes. “Okay.”

  I was quiet through most of my shift, refusing to fuel anyone’s gossip. My attitude wasn’t only having a negative effect on my mood. My tips had suffered, too.

  “Shit,” I whispered to myself once I realized I’d only made half the amount of tips I had the week before.

  Nicole looked at me as I handed them to her, but she didn’t say anything. She just counted the bills and then gave me my cut in twenties.

  “Thanks.” I stuffed the money into the front pocket of my jeans.

  As I untied my apron, Nicole leaned forward with her elbows on the bar.

  “Hey, Penelope.” She paused.

  I looked up at her as I finished balling it into my hands.

  “There’s something I think you should know.”

  My heart pounded in my chest, and my palms grew sweaty as I stared into her sympathetic eyes. “What?” I’d asked, but I didn’t want to know.

  “There’s this girl named Tiffany who comes here a lot. She told some of the bartenders that she was looking for you. Something about making sure you stopped messing with her man,” she said, raising her eyebrow in speculation.

  “What the fuck?” My fear quickly morphed into anger. “I don’t even talk to my ex anymore. That bitch is crazy.”

  Nicole’s eyebrows furrowed. “Your ex?”

  “Yeah. She’s got this crazy obsession with my ex, Derek. She—”

  “She meant Brandon,” Nicole said, interrupting me.

  My mouth snapped shut, and my jaw clenched as I stared at her. She had to be mistaken. She didn’t know what had been going on between Tiffany and me.

  “She said—and I quote—‘Tell that bitch Penelope to leave Brandon alone. He’s grown tired of her.’”

  I looked away. The air around me suddenly felt thick, and it was becoming harder to breathe.

  “I’m sorry, girl. I just thought you should know. I know you have strong feelings for him, and I don’t want you to be blindsided.”

  “Has he been with her? With Tiffany?” I asked, my voice sounding distant, even to me.

  “Yeah. I mean…I think so. I think they used to go to his apartment together, and she used to hang around him all the time.”

  Tiffany said she’d never been to his apartment.

  I nodded as my eyes lost focus, and I stared at nothing.

  “I don’t trust her.”

  “I know I have a reputation, especially at Induce.”

  “You’ve always meant something to me.”

  My relationship with Brandon seemed to flash before my eyes as everything I’d thought I knew fell apart around me. I felt humiliated. Even if Tiffany was lying—and she probably was—I still looked like an idiot.

  “Are you okay?” Nicole asked, bringing me back to the present.

  I nodded, both of us knowing it was a lie.

  “Thanks.” That was a lie, too.

  Pulling my purse strap over my head, I walked quickly to the door. I had to get out of there before someone saw what my dumb heart had done to me again.

  Impending tears stung my nose, but I refused to let them fall. Sniffing and clenching my jaw, I walked quickly to my car. The rational side to me knew Tiffany’s threat was meant to fuck with my emotions, and it probably wasn’t true, but my heart…God, my fucking heart hurt so much. My
chest ached with every breath, and I couldn’t help but feel betrayed even if he’d never laid a hand on Tiffany.

  Brandon should have been there for me. He should’ve at least cared enough to call.

  I knew I had to do something drastic to take my control back. I needed to finally stand up for myself and refuse to settle for the type of one-sided love I always seemed to attract. After being married to Derek, I knew I couldn’t handle that again. I had to put myself first.

  I drove home, trying to think of ways to separate myself from Brandon. We worked together and lived in the same town, so it wouldn’t be easy, but I would be leaving soon, and there was nothing else keeping me in North Carolina.

  I thought about Liz and our discussion about my plans after my internship. She’d tried to convince me to move back home to California, so I could be closer to family. At the time, I’d dismissed it, knowing I wanted to stay close to Brandon, but now, I knew what I needed to do.

  Brandon would be fine without me. He’d made that clear. He needed to keep his distance, and I needed to protect my heart.

  I sat at the same red light I had all those weeks ago, back when I had convinced myself that it was okay to live in the moment. I wondered why I’d chosen to stay here in the first place. I hated the humidity, I had no friends and no family close by.

  Perhaps I was afraid I’d forget the sadness in my heart. Sometimes, it was easier to bury your roots in sorrow than to dig yourself out.

  “Not this time,” I muttered to myself as the light turned green again.

  As soon as I walked into my apartment, I called Liz. It was three in the morning, which meant it was midnight for her.

  “Hello?” her sleepy voice greeted me.

  “Liz? Sorry to wake you,” I said, pacing the floor.

  “No, it’s okay. What’s wrong?” Her tone changed when she realized I was upset.

  “I’m going to move to Cali as soon as my internship is over. Can I stay with you? Just for a little while? I’ll pay you back everything I owe you, I promise.” I had talked so fast that I wasn’t sure she could even comprehend what I had said.

  “Of course, Penny. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

  “I’m…I’ll be fine. I just need to get out of here. I’m going to pack up all my stuff and put it in storage, and then I’ll figure out a way to come get it. Shit, maybe I’ll just sell it all. I’ll have all my clothes with me anyway. I could use the money.”

  “Penny, slow down. What happened?”

  I stopped pacing, and like a flood, my pain came pouring out. I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried so hard to hold my tears in, but they leaked out anyway. I took in a shuddering breath, and Liz stayed silent on the line.

  “I just don’t know what I did wrong,” I whispered. I opened my eyes and stared at my floor, the pain of my words shooting through me. “Why is it so easy for people to leave? Why doesn’t anyone want me?” I choked out before breaking down and sobbing into the phone.

  “Oh, Penny. Please don’t cry,” she said soothingly.

  My breath hitched as I tried to suck in air. “I’m sorry. I just need to get out of here, Liz. I can’t stay here anymore.”

  “Then, come home. You can stay with me for as long as you want, okay? Just let me know where to pick you up, and I’ll be waiting for you.”

  I nodded and used the bottom of my shirt to wipe my face. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Okay.”

  “I love you, Penny. You’re a beautiful person with a huge heart. Whoever he is, he’s missing out.”

  I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Yeah.”

  “You need to believe it before anyone else will.”

  I stared at my fingers as they played with the seam of my shirt. “I know.”

  It was Monday night. Brandon was supposed to return today. I wasn’t sure when he’d arrive, and I’d spent the entire day trying to convince myself I didn’t care. I hadn’t sent him a single text, and I didn’t plan to.

  I’d gotten in touch with one of the nurses I’d be working with in Ghana. Melissa and I had been exchanging emails, and she seemed really nice and funny. I had a feeling we’d get along great. She’d even sent me a few pictures of our living quarters and some of the kids she’d been helping while there. I could feel my excitement coming back, and I couldn’t wait to distract my heart with their smiles. I had twelve more days before I’d be leaving. That was less than two weeks for me to earn as many tips as I could before I got on that plane and far away from here.

  I’d already started selling my stuff. I didn’t have much, but I’d made three thousand dollars from selling my car to one of the managers at Induce and fifty from my dining room table and chairs. I’d thought I’d be more upset after getting rid of the few things I’d had left, but it was freeing somehow. It felt good to strip myself of all the reminders they carried with them. I was ready to move forward.

  I was sitting on the blanket on my living room floor, typing an email to Melissa, when my phone chimed and startled me. My heart instantly started racing.

  I’m back. Want to come over?

  I sat there, staring at the screen, while anger, hurt, and determination washed over me. Here I’d been, going through a roller coaster of emotions, and Brandon was clueless to it all.

  I dropped my phone on the coffee table next to my laptop and tried to get back to my email. My fingers were shaking over the keys.

  I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to hurt him the way he’d unknowingly hurt me.

  I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to touch him.

  I needed to stay away from him.

  I raked my fingers through my hair and huffed out a breath. Just a little bit longer, Penny. Just a little longer, and then you can get out of here.

  A minute later, my phone rang. It was Brandon.

  I squeezed my eyes shut and got up off the floor. I walked to my kitchen, knowing I needed some distance; otherwise, I’d fall right back into him. It felt like an eternity before the ringing finally stopped, and then the phone alerted me that he’d left a voice mail.

  Shit. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to hear what he had to say, but I knew it would only weaken my resolve.

  It always did.

  I needed to distract myself. I needed to get away from my phone.

  Snatching my purse off the counter, I made sure I had my keys, but I left my phone on the table as I walked out the door.

  An hour later, I was back on the water tower again.

  I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. I had pedaled my bike all over town, trying to clear my head, and before I had known it, I had been walking it up the dirt trail and leaning it against the same tree.

  I sat there, fighting an internal battle between my mind and my heart. I had known Brandon was no good for me. I had known I’d only end up hurting, but I couldn’t help from loving him anyway. I had known it was dangerous and that he might never accept my love, but it didn’t matter. I still wanted to give it to him.

  For the first time, I was appreciating just how selfless love could be. I didn’t love Brandon for what his love could give me in return. I loved him because there was no other option.

  Just as I came to that realization, a familiar voice shouted, “Hey!”

  My eyes widened, and I carefully leaned toward the edge of the ledge and peeked over. Brandon was standing on the ground, looking up at me, and the sight of him took my breath away.

  “Hey,” I muttered so softly that I knew he couldn’t hear it.

  He walked toward the ladder, and I sat back, my heart beating hard in my chest.

  “Fuck.” Stay strong, Penny. Don’t give in.

  A few minutes later, I felt the weight of Brandon’s boots as they took their first steps onto the ledge. Looking up, I watched as he came toward me. His hair was cut a little shorter, and his beard had been trimmed.

  “I’ve been looking for you,” he told me as he came and sat next to me.

  He bent his knees and put his elbo
ws on them. I could feel his eyes on me as I stared at the dark sky.

  “What’s going on?”

  I glanced down at my lap before finding the courage to meet his gaze. He looked genuinely worried about me, and that only made things harder. I felt foolish for being so upset. He clearly didn’t think he’d done anything.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Don’t do that. Tell me.”

  A jet took off, and I watched it, thankful for the interruption, but Brandon’s eyes never left my face. I knew I’d have to speak up eventually.

  “Why didn’t you call me when you were gone?”

  Brandon turned away and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. I thought it would be good if I gave you some space. I didn’t want…” He stopped to take a cleansing breath. “I’m no good for you, Penelope.”

  “Then, why are you here?”

  His eyes collided with mine, but he didn’t answer me. Maybe he was scared to.

  “Did you ever fuck Tiffany?”

  His head jerked back, and his eyebrows furrowed, his stare heavy with disbelief.

  I looked away.

  “If you have to ask me that—”

  “I love you,” I whispered. I hadn’t meant to say it, but it had come out anyway.

  I risked a glance in his direction, and as soon as our eyes met, Brandon turned away.

  My heart broke a little more.

  I gritted my teeth. Don’t cry, Penny.

  “I don’t know what to say,” he said.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, every ounce of my will working to keep my tears from falling.

  “You don’t have to say anything, Brandon. I’m leaving soon anyway.”

  I stood up and started walking away when he stopped me.

  “Penelope, wait.”

  I faced him, and he stood up, too, his eyes pleading with me.

  “That’s the thing, Brandon. I’m done waiting. I’ve spent my entire life waiting. But it’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

  He turned away, his hands gripping the railing so tightly that I thought it might break.

  He hung his head and sighed. “I’ll hurt you.”